Real quick...no, we're not pregnant.
Not that anybody thought we were.
I've been stuggling with contentment. Not in the way that I wish we had a different house or lived in a different place or wish we had more money, but in that I really want a baby. It seems like every other woman I see is pregnant or has a small child. There's got to be something in the water up here. I know right now is definitely not the time to bring a child into the world. For one, we cannot afford it. Two, Ryan is in school and having a baby would mean he would have to take less hours and work more. Three, I really want to be a stay-at-home mom and in our situation, that just would not be possible. Four, we've only been married about 7 months! I'm just now getting used to living with a man so bringing a baby in could be chaotic.
I'm not saying people are wrong for having a baby in the circumstances we are in. I know the Lord would absolutely provide if we were to be blessed with a child. We simply want to be good stewards with what He has given us. First and foremost, we want our children to have a parents who love Jesus and each other deeply. We're trying to figure this whole marriage thing out and we know the best gift we can give to our kids is a loving, gospel-centered marriage. Second, we want to be able to have me stay at home and be the primary care-giver of our children. There's nothing wrong with working moms, but we believe it is best for me to stay home than to pay a stranger to raise them. Third, we would like Ryan to graduate from seminary in a reasonable amount of time. Fourth, we would really like to have a little more financial stability, but ultimately this is up to the Lord and how he chooses to bless us.
I think I'm mostly posting all this as a reminder to myself to wait. Obviously I can't "make a baby" on my own, but I also want my heart in the right place and to not cause my sweet husband grief. Ryan loves children and we want to have a big family, but he is definitely the level-headed one and often has to tell me how impractical it is for us to have kids now and in the next 3-4 years.
The Lord knows my heart. I am excited for the day that He gives us the amazing gift of tending a precious soul. In the meantime, I refuse to let my thoughts dwell on what I don't have. Lord, stir up contentment within me.
"...I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."